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You're So Tall! — Why We Need to Stop Treating Height Like an Open Invitation to Comment

Updated: May 4

tall women in a group

I was recently at a conference — the kind of energizing, idea-rich gathering where you connect with brilliant people doing meaningful work. I ran into a friend, and within moments of us catching up side by side, someone walked up and said it. Not "What are you both working on?" Not "What a great keynote, right?" No. What they led with was: "Wow, you two are so tall! Do you play basketball?"

We are two tall women. And we have heard some version of this. Our. Entire. Lives.

Here's what I want to talk about today: Why do we still think it's okay?

We've Learned to Check Ourselves — Except Here

Over the past few decades, we've done a lot of important cultural work around what it means to respect another person's body and identity. We've largely learned not to walk up to someone and comment on their weight. We understand that making someone's skin color the centerpiece of a greeting is inappropriate. We've grown in our awareness around ability, gender expression, and age. These shifts have not been perfect, but the awareness has moved.

And yet — height? Somehow, that one slipped through.

We live in a world that has started to take microaggressions seriously. Wikipedia describes heightism — the discriminatory treatment of people based on their stature — as something that is "commonly manifested as unconscious microaggressions." Research confirms it. A University of Kansas dissertation on heightism found that constant comments about height "accumulate into microaggressions that ostracize the short and tall." The comments feel small to the person making them. They are not small to the person receiving them — again. And again. And again.

A clothing brand for tall women, Otto + Ivy, put it this way: height comments are "incessant and cumulative. They keep knocking away at the bruise, and chipping away at our confidence." That "bruise" analogy is one of the most accurate descriptions I've encountered. By the time you reach adulthood as a tall person, you have been hearing about your height your whole life. Each new comment lands on top of decades of the same. You can be well-adjusted, confident, proud of who you are — and still feel that tap on a bruise.

Why Do People Do It? Let's Be Honest.

I believe in understanding behavior before judging it. So let's look at why this happens.

Height is visible and immediate. Unlike interests, values, or personality, a person's height registers the second you see them. The human brain, wired to notice difference, flags it. That's biology. But biology doesn't excuse behavior — it just explains its origin. What we do with that noticing is a choice.

Height carries centuries of cultural baggage. Evolutionary psychology tells us that taller stature — particularly in men — has long been associated with strength and status. Research confirms that height influences perceptions of authority and competence, and that each additional inch can correspond to higher earnings. So height has been baked into how we assign social value. But here's the problem: when we make someone's height the opening comment, we are not complimenting them. We are reducing them to a physical characteristic they did not choose, one that our culture has decided means something it doesn't.

We perceive tall bodies as outside "normal." A dissertation from the University of Kansas describes how people who fall outside the statistical norm of height experience their difference "as embodied violations of our expectations of 'normal.'" When something surprises us visually, we tend to comment on it — without stopping to ask whether that comment serves anyone.

We think we're being friendly. This is perhaps the most generous explanation, and the most frustrating. Many people who make height comments genuinely believe they are being warm or even complimentary. "You're so tall!" is not intended to wound. But intention is not impact. And impact, over a lifetime, adds up.

The Gender Dimension We Can't Ignore

For tall women specifically, there is a second layer to this. Research notes that tall women "may find themselves vulnerable to unwarranted attention" and are often perceived as "more dominant or divergent from conventional feminine norms." Tallness in women challenges a patriarchal expectation — that women should be smaller, more contained, less physically imposing. Academic work on heightism and gender notes that the tall female body can be perceived as a threat to expected gender dynamics, and so society rushes to manage it — often through commentary, jokes, or questions that subtly remind a woman that her body is unusual.

The oracle student publication at Archer School noted that media routinely sends the message that "it is not okay for men to be shorter than women and that women should feel uncomfortable if they are taller than men." That discomfort society feels? It gets projected onto tall women as commentary we have to absorb. No thank you.

What We Are Really Saying When We Say Nothing

Here is what my conference friend and I have both learned to do: nothing. We smile, we give the brief acknowledgment — "Yep!" — and we move the conversation forward. We have both been doing this for so long that it barely registers anymore.

And that, right there, is the problem we need to name.

When something happens so often that it no longer registers — that is normalization. And normalization is exactly how inequities persist. We have worked hard in JEDI (justice, equity, diversity, and inclusion) spaces to name the things that have been normalized, to pull them into the light and ask: Should this be normal? Does this serve the people it affects? Does this reflect the values we claim to hold?

The answer, in this case, is no.

A tall person having to perform patience — again — for a comment they have fielded thousands of times, is a small but real tax on their energy and sense of self. And when that person is a tall woman of color, or a tall person with a disability, or someone navigating any other identity that is already subject to commentary and assumption, the compounding effect matters.

Let's Engage the Whole Person

Here is what I would ask instead. The next time you notice someone's height — and you might! That's human — I invite you to pause and ask yourself: What do I actually want to connect with this person about?

Because I promise you, there is something more interesting than their measurement. Ask them about the work they're doing. Comment on the earrings they chose that morning. Ask what brought them to this conference, this room, this conversation. Compliment their laugh if it's a good one. Notice that they have extraordinary taste in cardigans.

Talk about something they chose.

Height is not a choice. It is not an achievement. It is not an invitation. It is simply a physical characteristic that some of us have, and that we've been reminded of — loudly, repeatedly, our whole lives — by people who thought they were being friendly.

We can do better. And doing better, as always, starts with awareness.

The Mission Connection

At Your Mission Maven, I work with organizations to look at the systems and unspoken norms that shape culture. Height commentary is a small window into a larger pattern: we often make people's bodies the subject of conversation without stopping to ask whether that serves them. We've made progress on some of those norms. It's time to close the gap.

If you lead a team, facilitate events, or simply show up in community spaces — you have influence over what feels normal. Model the behavior. Notice when someone's body becomes the topic and redirect. Create spaces where people are greeted for what they bring, not how they look.

That is the kind of culture worth building.


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